I've included this information because 1 out of every 4 people lives with the herpes virus, and the social stigma surrounding HSV is alive and well. No other virus is treated with as much prejudice as the herpes virus, so it can be intimidating to tell someone you coexist with herpes.
Telling a potential new partner that you have herpes can be terrifying because there's no way to know how they will respond. The fear of humiliation, rejection, or worse can make you want to quit. Bringing up the subject can be scary, but you have to do it. Think of how you would feel if someone knew they had herpes and didn't tell you, and you contracted it. Perhaps this has already happened to you. It's illegal. People can sue those who purposely transmit the Herpes Simplex Virus to others. I mention this so that if you contracted HSV this way, you have the right to sue the person who knowingly gave it to you.
Long before ever having to tell someone you have herpes, you should study up on the subject so you can, at the very least, answer basic questions your partner might ask.
Let me say, straight away, that your potential partner has the right to decide to walk away if they want to after you tell them you have herpes. Your job is to educate them so they can decide whether they want to continue down the path you're both on. However, if someone does not accept you because you've contracted herpes, you are better off without them. You deserve someone who takes you as you are. Although it will be difficult to see past the rejection, you will find love again.
When telling someone you have herpes, avoid bringing up the subject like you are about to dump a nightmare on their shoulders. Don't say things like, "I have something terrible to tell you," or "You're going to be so upset with me when you hear what I have to say." No. You're just setting them up to see herpes as terrible and to be upset with you. It's better to be unemotional and direct, even if you are quaking in your shoes. Say something like, "I have something to tell you." Then say, "I have herpes," or "I've been diagnosed with herpes." Try to sound confident. If you can't find your voice, consider writing a letter and either giving it to them or leaving it for them to see. However, unless you fear abuse, it's best to speak face-to-face.
When you tell them matters as much as how you tell them. Don't say anything too soon. If the relationship is so new that you are still figuring out whether it will lead anywhere, there's no point in saying anything. On the other hand, if you both like each other and are already kissing, it's time to speak up. Who knows? Maybe your partner has herpes, too.
Please don't call your partner to discuss this at work, between classes, or in public. Whatever you do, don't tell them right before you have sex. And don't tell them in the car unless you're the driver. You don't want to end up walking home. Only tell someone you have herpes while doing something together that allows enough time for the information to sink in and for questions to be answered. Take a walk in a park or have a cozy dinner at home. Think about it. How would you want to be told?
If you are taking medication, please mention it. If natural remedies work for you, say so. If you've never given herpes to anyone, let them know this. If they aren't up to date on what having herpes entails, inform them you aren't sexually intimate when you feel an outbreak coming on, so the chance of them contracting it is slim. Finish the conversation by telling your partner you shared because you wanted to be upfront.
Give your partner time to process. Allow them to go home and think about it if they need to. You may want to schedule an appointment with your doctor to have your questions answered or go over HSV Questions & Answers together. If they choose not to continue the relationship, don't argue, fuss, or try to change their mind. Give them time, and they may change their mind.
Never stay with someone after you tell them you have herpes if you sense that they aren't sincere at any point. Sometimes, when people first meet and fall in love, the attraction can be so strong that it overrules all else. Your partner may change their mind once your relationship settles in and becomes more genuine. If they change their mind, they aren't the "ONE".
Note: If you're struggling in your relationship, consider the signs of a troubled relationship. If you're suffering from low self-esteem or self-worth, click here. And if you're having suicidal thoughts or contemplating ending it all, please see Resources for support or call 911.
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