Whether you've decided to leave a narcissist or just a plain old-fashioned abuser (male or female), there are safety measures to consider before you walk out the door and never look back.
- Don't threaten to leave. Don't even hint at it, verbally or otherwise.
- Don't tell friends, relatives, neighbors, or the children you are leaving your abusive relationship until after you have.
- Start paying off your debts and saving cash if you have the time.
- Pack an emergency bag, something you can quickly grab in the event of an emergency exit.
- Find employment if you are unemployed, and your situation isn't violent (and your mate doesn't mind you working). Accept whatever position you can to become financially independent. You can always find another job later. If your mate is against you working, but you know they aren't going to become verbally threatening or abuse you physically, try to find a job in secret and then go. This way, you'll know where your income will come from, even if you must stay in a shelter before receiving your first couple of paychecks.
- Suppose your mate is already physically abusive to you or has the potential to be. In that case, leave the relationship immediately and consider staying with someone else (if possible) until you become financially independent. Don't move in with a friend or relative if s/he already knows the address.
- Start going through your belongings and donate or give away what you no longer need or want to keep. Put away household items you don't want to leave behind, a little at a time, to avoid raising suspicion. Don't remove too many items at once. It will draw questions. Rent storage and start filling it gradually. Leave behind the things you don't want.
- Get your vehicle maintained before you're on your own to avoid breakdowns and costs. Get a tune-up (replace the spark plugs, wires, cap, and rotor). You may know someone who can do this, or you can do it yourself to save money. Replace the tires if they're in poor condition. Keep copies of your title, registration, and insurance. If you don't have a vehicle, consider investing in a cheap used car or bike, or a monthly bus pass if you can afford it.
- Keep or make copies of all essential documents, including Social Security cards, passports, birth certificates, and banking information. Include copies of all account information (account numbers and any amounts due on credit cards, utilities, phone, car finance company, and so on) for yourself and, if you are married, for your spouse's debts. You may need this information for divorce purposes.
- If you don't have a cell phone, get one. If you have one, change the number after you leave. If your phone allows it, turn off tracking.
- Because credit cards can be traced, use cash whenever possible, especially if you stay at a hotel during an emergency.
- Get a restraining order right before you leave. Have someone else serve it after you are away and safe.
- If your mate is violent (and even if they aren't), don't attempt to sneak out while they're in the house. Wait until they leave, and know they'll be gone long enough to escape safely.
- If you are married, file for a legal separation with the court as soon as possible to begin the process of getting "untangled." Also, if you are with your spouse for less than six months during the year, you can file separately on next year's taxes, and your tax return won't be affected by your spouse's.
- If you have school-age children, consider making arrangements to transfer them to a new school in advance.
- If you have pets, try to make arrangements for someone to care for them for you (someone your abuser can't find) while you're in transition or have pet carriers and kennels ready.
- Leaving a relationship is always challenging. It's even harder when you don't have the energy or don't feel well. Adapting to a new lifestyle can be stressful, even when it leads to a happier place. You must do everything possible to safeguard your health and well-being, even if it means staying a little longer to map out a plan. However, if you are being physically abused, you may not have time. Seek help to get out as quickly as possible.
Resources
Add comment
Comments