How to Safely Leave An Abuser

Whether you've decided to leave a narcissist or just a plain old-fashioned abuser (male or female), there are safety measures to consider before you walk out the door and never look back.

 

  • Do not threaten to leave. Don't even hint or suggest it verbally or otherwise.​

 

  • Do not tell friends, relatives, neighbors, or the children you are leaving your abusive relationship until after you have.

 

  • Start paying off your debts and saving cash if you have the time.

 

  • Pack an emergency bag, something you can quickly grab in the event of an emergency exit.

 

  • Find employment if you are unemployed, and your situation isn't violent (and your mate doesn't mind you working). Accept whatever position you can to become financially independent. You can always find another job later. If your mate is against you working, but you know they aren't going to become verbally threatening or abuse you physically, try to find a job in secret and then go. This way, you'll know where your income will come from, even if you must stay in a shelter before receiving your first couple of paychecks.

 

  • If your mate is already physically abusive to you or has the potential to be, leave the relationship immediately and stay with someone else (if you can) until you become financially independent. Don't move in with a friend or relative if s/he already knows the address.

 

  • Begin going through your belongings and donating or giving away what you no longer need or want to keep. Put away household items you don't want to leave behind, a little at a time, to avoid raising suspicion. Don't make the mistake of removing too many items at once. It will draw questions. Purchase storage somewhere and begin filling it up gradually. Leave the things you don't want behind.

 

  • Get your vehicle maintained before you're on your own to avoid breakdowns and costs after you are on your own. Get a tune-up (have the spark plugs, wires, cap, and rotor replaced). You may know someone who can do this, or you can do it yourself to save money. Replace tires with better ones if they're in poor condition. Ensure you have a copy of your title, registration, and insurance. If you don't have a vehicle, consider investing in a cheap, used car, bike, or a monthly bus pass if you have the funds.

 

  • Keep or make copies of all essential documents, including social security cards, passports, birth certificates, and banking information.

 

  • Retrieve and make copies of all account information (account numbers and any amounts due on credit cards, utilities, phone, car finance company, and so on) for yourself and, if you are married, for your spouse's debts. You'll need this information for divorce purposes.

 

  • If you don't have a cell phone, get one. If you have one, change the number after you leave.

 

  • Because credit cards can be traceable, use cash whenever possible, especially if you stay at a hotel for emergencies.

 

  • Get a restraining order right before you leave. Have someone else serve it after you are away and safe.

 

  • If your mate is violent (and even if they aren't), don't attempt to sneak out while they're in the house. Wait until they leave, and they will be gone long enough to escape safely. 

 

  • If you are married, file for a legal separation with the court as soon as possible. Also, if you are with your spouse for less than six months during the year, you can file separately on next year's taxes, and your tax return won't be affected by your spouse's.

 

  • If you have school-age children, consider making arrangements to transfer them to a new school in advance. 

 

  • If you have pets, try to make arrangements for someone to care for them for you (someone your abuser can't find) while you're in transition. 

 

 

Three-Step Divorce is an excellent online resource for legal support, forms, and advice according to your state.

 

Leaving a relationship is always challenging. It's even more difficult when you don't have the energy or feel well. Adapting to a new lifestyle can be stressful, even when it leads to a happier place. You must do everything possible to safeguard your health and well-being, even if it means staying a little longer to map out a plan. However, if you are being physically abused, you may not have time. Seek help to get out as quickly as possible. 

 

 

Reources 

 

  • National Domestic Abuse Violence and National Child Abuse Hotlines: 1.800.799.7233 (or text "LOVEIS" to 22522)